“How Will I Ever Get Out Of This Labyrinth Of Suffering?”

Aku ingat pertama kali membaca buku “Looking For Alska” karya John Green  di tahun tahun pertama masa sekolah SMK dulu. Buku ini adalah buku pertama yang membuat aku langsung jatuh cinta dengan John Green. I mean, dengan novel-novelnya. Buku ini membawaku ke buku-buku John Green yang lainnya. Ketika selesai membaca buku ini aku langsung berfikir “Apakah semua buku John Green seperti ini? Apakah setiap selesai membaca bukunya meninggalkan rasa sesak, menimbulkan satu lubang yang dalam, meninggalkan kesedihan dihati?”

Buku ini bercetita tentang anak sekolah menengah atas bernama Miles yang harus pindah ke boarding school, ke sekolah diamana ayahnya dulu sekolah. Miles adalah seorang penggemar kata-kata terkahir dari orang-orang terkenal sebelum mereka mati. Di Culver Creek boarding school-lah Miles bertemu dengan Kolonel, Takumi dan Alaska. Miles berharap di situlah dia akan menemukan “Great Perhaps”-nya.

Alaska adalah salah satu tokoh yang paling aku sukai, not just because she was beautiful, smart, and a bit means, she was also brave and a fighter, and also because she loves books. She was suffering from depression karena kematian ibunya, dia depresi karena ayahnya menyalahkan dirinya atas kematian ibunya. Tapi tak ada satu orangpun yang menyadari bahwa dia sedang menderita. Salah satu hal yang membuatnya berusaha melupakan penderitaanya, dia berusaha menyembunyikan setiap perasaannya.

Tidak merendahkan karakter yang lain, Takumi dan Kolonel adalah gambaran seorang teman sejati. Aku suka cara Kolonel menjaga teman-temannya, cara dia tidak segan-segan untuk stand up demi teman temannya. Tapi Kolonel tidak akan seasik itu tanpa Takumi, dan Alaska. Kedatangan Miles ke sekolah itu adalah penyempurna persahabatan mereka. But still, Alaska is my favourite.
“How will I ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?”, that line I loved the most. Semua yang sudah membaca buku ini tahu bahwa Alaska menempuh cara termudah dan tercepat untuk keluar dari labirin penderitaannya itu. I know that’s sad, but at least dia merasa telah keluar dari labirin itu.

Saat itu ketika membaca buku ini, ceritanya tidak merasa relete dengan kehidupan saat itu. Aku yang masih anak sekolah belum sepernuhnya memahami apa itu “Suffering”, I have no idea what’s depression truly mean. Aku hanya seorang anak sekolah yang merasa tidak memiliki banyak masalah dalam hidup. Hidupku memang sedikit sulit, tapi aku tak pernah merasa masalah hidup ini menyiksaku. Tapi aku tetap menyukai buku itu. Until one day, when I graduated from vocational high school ketika aku harus berhadapan langsung dengan realita kehidupan. Satu persatu mulai telihat jelas, ada sesuatu yang hilang dari hidupku selama ini, aku benar benar tidak menyadari bahwa ia selama ini sudah pergi jauh dari hidupku, bahwa ia benar benar sangat di butuhkan. Sosok nya sesekali mengingatkan bahwa kesulitan hidupku selama ini karena ia yang tak lagi bersamaku. Lubang kecil yang ia tinggalkan semasa kecil dulu, perlahan lahan terlihat membesar, perlahan-lahan semakin dalam. Semakin aku merasa bahwa aku sudah dewasa semakin aku merasa aku membutuhkannya.

Tadi malam aku selesai menonton “Looking For Alaska” and the feeling was coming back to me. The feeling of sadness, emptiness, and loneliness.  Now I know and realize what was Alaska Young faced through. She’s reminding me of myself now. Dia membuatku menyadari sesuatu yang sepertinya dulu pernah ku rasakan, saat pertama selesai membaca buku ini. Perasaan kenapa aku merasa dekat dan mengenalnya. Kita memiliki perasaan yang sama, aku dan kamu memiliki pertanyaan yang jawabannya sulit di dapatkan. Aku tau kamu menjawab dengan caramu sendiri, but how would I answer that goddamn question Alaska? How? I never want to take the same road as you took. I will never. But I need the answer.

When you’re gone, never have I ever felt like that before, when someone left me, I was sad but never really sad just like you left me. My world was never so dark like that before. I have never needed someone so much as I need you. I started to feel so lonely, and my feeling just so empty. The saddest thing was I felt like I was good at being lonely. I felt like I was ok without someone who cared about me before, so I’m going to be ok.

Day after day when loneliness was my only friend, I started feeling like I felt something more than just lonely, I started to feel anger, loss, weird, and guilty. The emptiness became a big part of my soul. The more I felt so lonely the more I felt was safe. I started isolating myself from society, I like stuck in my room. I created another world where there was just me who lived, where there was nobody just me, where there was nobody could see me suffering.  I like being with me, myself and I, but then after a long time, I realized I was depressed, I was suffering by something I didn’t want admit it, but I was feeling ok with that.

Until now, when no one cares about me, when I’m feeling I don’t have any friends to talk to. I hate this, I hate the way I always try to pretend to be ok, but I will never be ok. I hate when I just the only one who cares about myself. I hate how the way I feel so lonely, I hate the fact that I don’t have someone who can I count on to.

Sometimes, I don’t give a shit about who’s will choose me or who’s will not, because at the end of the day I always choose my own self. I’m strong enough to stand by myself, I feel like I’m an independent girl, never need someone to complete me, never want to be with someone to be a happy girl. But, as the day goes by, the hole inside me just so freaking deep, the emptiness so freaking killing me, the anger just so freaking dominates me, I drowned, deep, deep and deep down into my own self. It’s dark, and I’m lost. I need to get out of this labyrinth. I’m calling you, but you’re gone. When no one is there, then to whom I ask for help. Alaska, please help me? I need you.  Would you help me from there? Please just come.

But I know, you aren’t there either. So, should I take the same road as you took? or should I take another road, I know I like darkness but I don’t like your way? It’s too dark for me. I need a light, I need more warm air, I need someone Alaska.

I’m sorry for what happened to you, I forgive you as Miles did, as Kolonel did, and Takumi did. Your last words to Miles were “To be continued” I guess it was right. You were my friend and my favorite character since I was in vocational high school. I know since the day I’ve known you, you’re someone that I will always remember to, when I feel lost, when I feel lonely or when I feel angry and guilty. And I guess I’ll see you next time. As you told us “to be continued”.

Ada begitu banyak yang membuatku mencintai buku ini, selain ceritanya, selain karakter-karakter di dalamanya. Selain tempat-tempatnya. Yang paling aku sukai adalah keterikatan batinku dengan cerita ini, dengan Alaska Young. Sepertinya memang benar The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.

"From Looking For Alaska by John Green”.

1.      The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.

2.      When I look at my room, I see a girl who loves books.

3.      Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

4.    After all this time, it seems to me like straight and fast is the only way out- but I choose the labyrinth. The labyrinth blows, but I choose it.

5.      At some point, we all lookup and realize we are lost in a maze.

6.      Because memories fall apart, too. And you're left with nothing.

7.      We are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be.